Online Dating? What a trip!

thHO5VSK0YAfter reading the title you may think that this will be a post of me ranting on and on about the terrors of online dating. Well, you are wrong! Well sort of…

Oh! Where should I begin?

After my highschool/college love I was single for a VERY long time. Don’t get me wrong, I went on a few dates here and there. However, nothing long term or even consistent. My very good friend from college suggested I try online dating. I thought, why not, lets go for it.

As most have heard, online dating sites are filled with creepy guys who have quite unique ways to strike up conversations. To say that it was humorous would be selling it short. Then without knowing it, a guy that would be everything I ever wanted contacted me May 2015. The conversation was nothing special just a hello. Before responding, I viewed his profile and was physically attracted to him. However, he lived about 1000 miles away. Normally, I wouldn’t have responded to someone that far away, but let’s face it I was lonely and wanted some conversation.

We had a nice conversation that never actually ended. I’m not sure why, but we enjoyed texting each other so much that we talked consistently. How could you enjoy a texting conversation so much, so quickly? I’m not sure, but we did. To “officially” meet each other and confirm that our profile pictures were real, we decided to FaceTime. I was very nervous to meet him and wasn’t sure what I would say. I remember his initial reaction as soon as we got on FaceTime. He had such relief in his eyes. He told me he was relieved that “I looked even better than my pictures”. That’s all I remember about the conversation. What I do know is that I didn’t want to hang up the phone. Our FaceTime and texting conversations continued on. I would stay up until all hours of the night just to get to talk to him.

The feeling of excitement when you first meet someone and are getting to know them is like no other. It’s hard to explain and impossible to forget.

imageOur converstations continued on for months. We talked about meeting up, but with work and other responsibilities the timing never seemed to be right. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I was disappointed. Strangely enough, I was so drawn to our conversations that I didn’t care. I loved sharing my life with him even if it was virtually. If I were to actually write down a list of what I am looking for in a man, this guy had it. He fulfilled all of the things I wanted along with the things I never knew I needed.

imageI knew this was trouble. Love Isnt something I let myself “do” and I felt myself falling in love with a guy 1000 miles away whom I’ve never even met. I was choosing to stay home and talk to him instead of hanging out with friends.

October 2015 – he disappeared. Some may call it “ghosting”. I tried to contact him twice after I hadn’t heard from him, radio silence. That was it, I was done contacting him. I moved forward with my life, bought a house, and convinced myself that it wouldn’t have worked out with him living so far away in another state anyway. Needless to say, all the walls I have built up around my heart just got a second layer built on.

To be continued…

P.S. Don’t worry he returns.

Obligations

We all have obligations in our lives. Let’s face it they suck! Someone once told me oh no you are in college you don’t have obligations. Oh man, were they wrong. It doesn’t matter how old I get or what stage of life I am in there will always be obligations especially with family. Ever since my grandfather got diagnosed with lung cancer the obligations have grown.

This was how I felt the entire weekend

This was how I felt the entire weekend

I am currently in Indiana freezing my ass off! He was born in Indiana so all of his family is up here. He of course always likes to come up and visit them. I sadly am the person who is always voted to come and visit with him since, for the last couple of years he is unable to travel by himself at all. It is not the most exciting trip I have ever made , but it is good bonding time with my grandpa. I know time could be very short for him so I enjoying making him happy by tagging along. The past trips have not been so bad because it has been warm. This trip however, was completely different. If any of you were watching the news you know what kind of weather they have had up here. It was absolutely dreadful! I am now on the airplane while writing this happily on my way back home. I have extremely “thin blood” and I do not fair well in the kind of cold Indiana experiences.

There should always been something green in sight!

There should always been something green in sight!

Obligations are a part of life. While it is not fun to feel obligated it does occur. We must deal with it as it comes. I made the best of this trip and thankfully my aunt came for this trip as well. She and I had a really good time on the trip! I was not always close with my aunt when I was younger. The older I have gotten the closer we have become. She does not have children so I am like her “sudo daughter” she says.  I work with her in the family business along with college. That is another one of my obligations. I have to help make money for the family. It is a necessity. I cannot just drop the family because I have gone to college. However, the obligation of helping with the business is an enjoyable one. I wish more obligations were enjoyable.

I understand more than ever that family is very important no matter what. There are always those in your family that do not mesh well with the others and thats okay. We cannot choose all of our relatives. Those that you do get along with are very important because those are the ones that you can depend one the most. I know that the obligations I endure because of them seem to be a nuisance at the time but in reality there are many benefits to helping out family.

Overall obligations are a part of life and I plan to embrace them as they come. They don’t have to be a burden unless you make them one.

I Should Be Excited Shouldn’t I?

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AA Degree? Check

My first semester out of the community college is over. Just yesterday I was moving into my apartment and getting to know my roommates. I remember worrying over where my classes would be at this huge university. I remember getting misty eyed at the thought that for the first time in my life I would live alone. I then remember the next weekend where I was delighted to realize I had no rules. I could easily go out with my friends and return whenever I chose.

I don't need a huge party to have a good time

I don’t need a huge party to have a good time!

I think now and realize that the whole “college experience” isn’t all it is cracked up to be. I do not have a bunch of friends that I go to crazy parties with. In fact, I have just a handful of friends here. I still have all of my friends back home and I miss them. Thankfully my university is not far too from home. However, with a job, many hours of homework, and still finding time to go to my workout class, I rarely have time to drive a little over an hour home to spend time with my friends. It’s a sad thing to realize that I am truly growing up. I have bills, other important responsibilities. I do not miss living with my father, but I miss being close to everyone I know.

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When I graduate and get a job I wonder where I will work? Where I will then live is extremely dependent on where I work. I will not have homework any longer so I will hopefully have some more time to do things I enjoy. This whole college experience should be exciting I think. I don’t see it that way for some reason. I see it as just another step of life.

I’m not excited to be here any longer. I hated the community college I went to. It seemed like I had graduated high school and then decided to return for two more years. Who would do that? Yes it saved me a lot of money. However, that did not make it anymore enjoyable for me. I have never really enjoyed the school atmosphere. I love to learn and get good grades. (yes, I am a bit of an over achiever) What I don’t like is all the other people. I don’t like the snap judgements people make of you the moment you walk into the room. I have never been big on drama. I never did extracurricular activities. The sooner I was out the better. I have come to find that a university is no different.

I plan to have 3 more semesters here and be done. I don’t know what the next step will be for me. I would love to then move on to law school however, that is 6 more semesters of craziness. It is a big decision and there is a lot of cost that goes into it as well. I will see what happens. There is one thing I know for sure though. I love independence and cannot wait to get out of the mundane routine of school and begin to make my own rules for my life.

I can't wait

I can’t wait

Search for a Happy Middle

Search for a Happy Middle

All young girls watch movies like Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, and many others. Incidentally causing them to grow up thinking that fairy tales do come true. While I don’t think fairy tales are impossible I do think that … Continue reading

The Best Birth Control Possible

DSC_0017Disclaimer: This post was written with my own personal experiences in mind. I do not mean to be offensive in any way.

I personally have always had doubts about whether or not I would ever like to have children. They take a lot of hard work and effort. It is a serious commitment. A commitment that too many people don’t take seriously enough if you ask me. For example a lot of girls that I graduated with in high school got pregnant shortly before or after graduation. All those girls were crazy in my mind! However, I partly must blame their parents.

And I will now let you in on the secret….

Their parents should have given them siblings, lots and lots of them. I personally believe that siblings are probably the best birth control possible. Especially my sister, she can be quite a hellion. Kids are so much work and without the proper care they may not become the best possible version of themselves.
I love my sister so much but she definitely has taught me many things about kids, that have made me think twice about procreating:

1. Girls are hormonal long before they hit puberty.

2. As much as I want to hate her I cannot.

3. Children are a sponge they will learn everything you do (good or bad).

4.  One of those boys in her life will take her heart and I will be terrified.

5. No matter the hate that her mother has instilled in her of me she finds a way to look past it and love me.

6. She never quits growing presently she is one inch shorter than me for now.

7. She confuses me beyond belief daily.

8. She is inconceivably innocent and fragile.

9. I can’t be her best friend until she is much older. No, now I must be her role model.

10. But most of all, I realized that my life has never been the same since she came into the picture.

Even though, a sibling is clearly not your child you get a feeling of responsibility for them. It is something that is almost impossible to explain. I would not trade my sister for the world but, it has been a long ride that has barely begun.

I know there will be many times yet to come where:

I will want to strangle her for any careless decisions. I will become angry with the boys who break her heart. I will be there to listen to her worries, fears, and worst of all high school drama. I will be one phone call away when she needs a “girl’s day” to escape from reality. I will call her to catch up on her life events no matter how little they seem to me. I will always remember that I am her only sister and therefore, she expects the world of me. I will be there for her on every important event like her prom, graduation day, first job, first car, first date, wedding day, and oh my goodness her pregnancies.

While she is not my child she is my sister. Personally, I feel like being the sibling somehow has more responsibility than a parent. I will be there when our parents have passed. I will always be closer to her own age therefore, I will understand her easier (hopefully). I am the sister with whom she will confide in and I have to be there for all of those things that she will expect out of me.

I have a lot of responsibilities yet to come. I am not sure if I am prepared for them quite yet. However, ready or not here they come. Through all of this uncertainty I am sure that if I am not prepared to be a sister how in the world can I expect to be a parent right now.

If and when I become a parent I will have a new perspective and appreciation for the responsibilities that come with it.

Quitting Facebook is Impossible

There has been a lot of different “fads” throughout this world yet, not all of them seem to catch on as rapidly as Facebook has. I made my own page when I was 15 years old. I permanently logged off my MySpace account soon after that initial log onto Facebook. It’s honestly almost ridiculous how many people log onto Facebook daily. Yet many of us cannot fathom why we used to love MySpace so long ago. I wonder how long will it take for Facebook to be a thing of the past or will it ever?

In 2011 Facebook posted some statistics about their site, I wanted to share them with you. Even if you have heard these statistics before I hope that you would read  them again.

I don’t know your thoughts on those statistics, but the one that threw me for a loop was the fact that, 1 in every 13 people on earth log onto Facebook everyday! It’s not just us technology craved Americans who are addicted its the whole world! That honestly makes me sick. I have since deleted my Facebook page and have no intent of returning!

If any of you were thinking about deleting your Facebook then let me be your inspiration. I had a very hard time deciding to actually go through with it and deleting my connection to the social network. Even though we all know how addicting Facebook is for some reason the majority of us can’t let it go and for good reason. Who wouldn’t want to be able to see what everyone they know is doing.

Facebook is extremely addicting! You can read everything your friends post on their page. You can see where they have been and where they are going. That information itself is enough to draw anyone in.

Many people don’t take the time to realize the down side to posting your life on the internet. Many companies will not hire before they check Facebook pages. Think now about what pictures you have on your page. Would you put that picture on your resume? Most likely there is at least on picture you wouldn’t do that with.

While Facebook has great advantages, there is a fine line to was is risking to post. There are a lot of people that you can keep in touch with on Facebook and, if you enjoy having everyone know all about you then keep the profile.

With keeping the profile you will be able to keep in touch with many of your “fake” friends. Which of course is my absolute least favorite part of Facebook. After I deleted my page there is so many people that I have not heard from again. I realized I was never really friends with those people. I simply knew of them and could easily keep track of what they were doing while on Facebook.

While this post ended up sounding like a bit of a rant, that was not my intention.

My main point is you should reanalyze why it is you have a Facebook profile. If the pros outweigh the cons then congratulations keep the page. However, if you realize that Facebook has added nothing but drama to your life then, go on and delete it. You will feel great afterwards and, trust me, after a while you will not miss it.

Fun Should Be Like Dessert

This picture really got my thinking today. I know that as a college students we all like to have a good time and party. It is almost like it is expected of the age group to go through this time period of “acting out”. Now is our chance to experience everything. We are able to sleep around and not necessarily be judged for it because we are not old enough to be committed to anyone. I do wonder who made it okay to begin to act stupid in the most important point in our lives. As college students we are in school to better ourselves. We need to make the best grades possible to achieve the best careers and salaries possible. So why do some many college students feel that now is the time to act a fool and show no concern their future selves?

Although parents are partially to blame because they keep a close watch on us while we are still living at home it is a little harder to get away with “having fun”. However, there are ways to do what you want and not get caught. While I am by no means endorsing disobedient children, I am saying that parents must let children make mistakes. Parents should realize that by nature we are going to try things even though they are bad for us. It is a known fact that if I child is told no then they immediately are more intrigued as to why it is not allowed. If I were a parent I would want my child to try the questionable things under some sort of supervision so they could get it out of their system safely.

I personally never meant to “Act out” I just had fun with friends. I did however go to my share of parties as a kid. I got all of my partying out of my system while I was in high school though. I went to the clubs and I drank and had  “great times” many that I now cannot really remember. I tried cigarettes and hated it from the first puff. Even though cigarettes never intrigued me it seemed almost a waste to be old enough to buy them and then not try them. As for the drama part I was never much for drama it was too tiresome for me. I preferred to keep to myself and the few friends I could actually stand to be around. One thing that I never tried was the sleeping around. It always seemed horrible to me. Sleeping with someone holds meaning with me. It isn’t just an action that many people take very lightly. I view it as a moment that is to be shared only by those you truly care for deeply. (I won’t go any deeper into that. I will save for a different post)

The main point that I wanted to get across in this post is the fact that girls (and guys for matter) like me are the minority. When I tell people “my number” I get a sort of deer in headlights look as if they don’t believe me. It is pretty ridiculous that it seems almost impossible to meet someone whose number of sexual partners can be counted on one hand. Then later when they find out that I would rather spend the night in watching a great movie and just spending time together, instead of partying they think I’m lying. It is an insult when people automatically assume that the majority of girls smoke, drink every night, go to clubs constantly, and sleep with every guy she meets.

I can’t remember when this “type” of girl became the norm. Even so, I refuse to conform the this cultural norm. I hope that more girls will understand that being different is more intriguing and desirable than the normal “slut”. There is nothing wrong with having fun. The problem is when its no longer having fun but it is a normal everyday occurrence that is just a way of life. Fun should be like dessert not a right but a treat. Something that doesn’t happen every night therefore, when it does it is more exciting and meaningful.

So yes! Girls like me do exist! We may be few and far between at the moment but we are out there.

They Always Come Running Back..

To start of this post properly I need to explain to everyone that I am truly a skeptic at heart. I question everything. I find that there is more fraudulence in most things than truth. Not to say that I believe everything is false I just feel that the truth is hidden and we must work at finding it. I feel that too many people in the world believe something because they read it on the internet or heard it “through the grapevine”.

There was a point in my life where I felt that this “quote” was just another one of those things that people say to you to help you feel better about your break-up. Well I am living proof that this saying has some validity to it.

So here’s my story…

I was in a junior in a private high school. Yes, you just read it right a private high school eekk.. (I’ll save that explanation for another post) Well, I met this guy lets call him Thomas. He was tall, tan, and completely adorable. I think he was most attractive when he smiled which of course was rare. We went out on our first date that I actually made happen. It was quite a night! We got to know each other very well. We began our relationship that next week after our date. We shared a lot of things together. He was my prom date, junior college boyfriend. Lets face it if my name came up in a conversation Thomas’ was next up. We were that couple that everyone would always say WOW! they are still together. All though, we were not as perfect as we seemed. Toward the end of our relationship he began to show that he was not committed or interested in our relationship any longer.

Fast forward almost three years and we break up. I was heartbroken to say the least. I had begun to get to the point where I didn’t see my life without him in the picture somewhere. Looking back the break-up was one of the best things for me! Being the skeptic I am I look back in disbelief that I had been so stupid. How could I have become so dependent on someone else to complete my life? I needed to get back to MY life! Now saying that was the easiest part. I had not realized how difficult it would be to be okay without Thomas.

I cried for many nights and cried a whole lot more when he got a new girlfriend. Of course out of anger I went and found other guys to hang out with. As many of you girls know its not hard to find guys to be around however, it is extremely difficult to find guys you want to be around.  That being said I did not find anyone that I enjoyed being around more than Thomas. I found a couple of good guy “friends”, but we all know that NEVER works out. I even found a guy that I was sexually attracted to. The only problem was that he wasn’t the kind of guy that I would want to be in a relationship with.

Now I hope everyone is keeping up… Fast forward a little over a year.

Thats right I started dating Thomas at 16 and now I am 20 years old. It kills me that one guys has consumed me for such a long time.

Well, here it comes after a year and four months of not hardly speaking except for a text message here and there Thomas tells me that he misses me. Of course I tell him I miss him as well, not thinking much of it. I figured it was a platonic I miss you, but I don’t want to get back together with you. Well boy was I wrong! He wanted to get back together with me pretty badly. I of course was very skeptic of his motives. Therefore, I told him that we would need to spend some time together and see where it goes. Well of course, now I am wondering Did I make the right decision?

I fully believe that there was no right or wrong option for me. I had to go with my gut. Which let me add is one of my least favorite things to do! I like to be able to weigh the pros and cons and then make somewhat of an informed decision. I fear that the only way I am going to be able to tell if I made the right decision or not is see what happens. I need to see if he truly has changed and then decide if I want to continue with him.

So obviously, as you can see the question isn’t whether or not they will come running back. The question is when they do come back will you let them back in or not. [and that is a question only you can answer for yourself]

Feel free to comment if you would like. I am sharing this story to help those of you dealing with a heartbreak.

Baggage is Heavy

 

There are many times in my life where I find myself feeling like this woman in the picture does. (overwhelmed)

Even though I know that carrying around a lot of baggage is heavy and quite frankly extremely overwhelming I still do. And yet, I still question myself as to why that is?

I think that I have finally come to the conclusion. We all carry something with us. While, it would be easier to drop what we have we don’t. The reason is because of fear that there may be a chance we might let go too soon.

After all, isn’t that everyones biggest fear? If you have something and then you loose it….. you want to hold on so tightly in hopes that it may return. Whenever, you think that you may want to let go of this “extra” baggage you stop and think about the small chance that the second you give up your chance will come and it will be too late.

Honestly, it’s ok to want to hold onto the past especially, if it is something great. The one thing that from now on I am going to remember is if I am going to hold onto the past it must be something worth my while. When you carry something with you it takes a part of you. As long as you are ok letting something consume you then, it is worth it to keep holding on. However, really put some thought into it and don’t carry around the petty things. Only important things should be carried onward.

I for one am going to keep that in mind when worrying about things in my past.

I’m a Difficult Female?

If there is one thing about myself that I would like to be known for it would be my strength. The idea of being a young, strong, beautiful woman is the greatest overall achievement in my mind. I am not the kind of person to keep my feelings inside of me. Even if I try my face gives me away. What can I say I am a full disclosure type of person. I know that I have flaws and one of them tends to be that I will make up an opinion of someone before I even know them. However, if they are not that type of person I realize it and will gladly change my perception of them. I feel like I have started to overcome that flaw just by simply admitting it. My purpose for this post is simply to make known that all you girls out there are not alone. We all can be bitches at times, lets face it we have a genetic disposition to be that way we can’t always help it. Besides, we have a lot in life to overcome and we can’t be sweet all the time or no one would take us seriously.

Some may feel that being a woman is a shortcoming of some short. YES! It is hard to be a woman but you know what? I wouldn’t want it any other way. Who would want to be a man? Women are the ones actually in control we just let them men think they are. I must say one of my favorite movie quotes is from My Big Fat Greek Wedding : “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.” The quote honestly explains itself perfectly! This has got to be one of woman’s best kept secrets from men.

A great man is one who helps a woman because he knows that a good woman is fragile. We can do almost everything a man can do, but that doesn’t mean we should have too. A man is our protector women have a lot of responsibilities as it is and we should not have to carry all the weight on our shoulders. Which is why I fully believe that beside (not behind or ahead) every great woman is a wonderful man sharing the weight of the world. So while all you females are out conquering the world remember you shouldn’t have to do it alone! Don’t be afraid to let someone in your life to help you along the way. However, do not let the bad stigma attached to being a female define you. You are strong yet very fragile which is what makes being a women so beautiful. We are difficult and mysteriously confusing. Embrace your gifts!